@Durinde definitely keep me updated if you do expand it! I'd love to read that and see where it goes!
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Comments
A very enjoyable reading, good worldbuilding, kept me into it till the end. I feel like I really wish to see the scene where the character, who at first seemed to like Ladev, finds out her plans and her reaction to it and how she came to decision of killing Ladev. But I understand it was hard to pull with time and word count limit. Great work anyway!
Having the protagonist being quizzed by the Archmagus was a fun way to get the exposition across early on. It felt like it fit the story well and did some heavy lifting, considering you had a lot of world building to do with a limited number of words.
It felt a little awkward to have the climax explained after the fact - I was confused about how Magus Ledev stumbled into the lighthouse beam, and found myself re-reading a few times to see if I missed a detail. The other commenters already talked about this though so I won't beat a dead horse.
To clarify a detail I'm confused on: do the magicians literally replace their eyes with the spheres? And the reason they look so sad is that they (potentially) house the souls of the prior people who were struck by the magic lightning and reduced to the mage spheres? The second to last line makes me think this is the case but I wanted to be sure!
All in all, this was a really cool story, really well told, and I'd love to see where else this goes!
jamriot
Great work as always! This was a really interesting piece and I appreciate that you made something so different from what you've done for the previous 2 Writer's Jams. I loved the twist regarding the eyes of the mages and the seafoam color you used to allude to that twist! If I could give you any feedback, the biggest suggestion would be to reconsider how much information Magus Ledev narrates to herself in the middle of the story. Additionally, it would've been nice if you were able to spend some time going over how this impacted the main character's thoughts regarding the Magus. I do understand that this impacted the character's decision to tamper with the lighthouse's trajectory, but it felt like a lot of the absorption of what the plan truly was is missing, but I totally understand that a lot of that might just be because of the limited word count! You did a ton of great worldbuilding and your pacing was great for the most part, I just do think the ending and the twist would've been stronger if there were any way to implement what I was talking about. Thanks again for your participation and I'm looking forward to seeing what else you make!
Durinde
Thanks for the feedback. I definitely ran up hard against the word count for this one. I am considering about expanding things out to expand the world this story exists in. Thank you so much for hosting the jam and all the hard work that goes into it.